Loving You Hurts Me

     

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     You know what? I always think of this... why on earth do I used to make such a space for you? As in always! With just one “hi” from you, I responded so quickly. With that just one text, oh gosh, I can’t help it. It really makes my day. You really mean a lot to me.

     Then I found out one day that I must stop this insanity. Why? You got a girl already. It feels like my heart was pierced by a bullet. I felt like I’d been betrayed. I felt like I’d been duped. I felt like I used to be such a fool for you. It’s hard. A part of me was blown away by so much pain. Husssh. I don’t want to sounds like I’m an option. I conditioned myself to ignore you, not to think of you. I’m trying really, I keep trying.

     Well, honestly, I did it. I did forget you but just for awhile. Hell yeah “for just awhile”. That was so damn, you know. I thought that I’m already over you. I thought that I could finally make it, to let you go, to really forget you. Such until my phone beeps. Opps, I got sms from you checking me how I was. Suddenly my eyes flickered, my lips started to form a smile. The back of my mind reminds me that I shouldn’t. “Hey, remember? Can you stop it, please?” Hmmm...I know I’m kinda naughty. I still replied. Yep, I replied. I used to act as if it’s just a usual convo, that this can’t be more than what it is expected to be , that we’re just friends. Oh gross, got nothing to say. The thing is...I’M STILL HOLDING ON. That moment you beep me up, everything messed up again and it sucks. That was so reckless. I always missed and always want you. 

     Time has passed, our communication keeps on going. I’ve noticed that you’re already available. Haven’t seen your girl on your facebook timeline. So, I used to go with the flow...and let’s see. Then here comes again the reality. This time, I’d been so sucked up. That moment when we got some sort of agreement and with that I need to ask you something as a condition. The question that slapped me with so much hurt. I ask you if you’re available and you said “I’m not.” Remember? You lied the second time. You make me believe with your sweet talks. Make me believe with your kind concerns. Make me believe that there could be something more from us. I can’t understand myself on why I keep holding on to something I’m not sure of to where it’ll be goin’. Why I keep holding on to the feeling that was uncertain, especially on you, on what you want to happen, on what you want from me. You really upset me. I wanted to cry but my eyes were dry. My heart beats slowly just like I’m running out of my breathing. I really don’t know what to do. Wanting you so bad was like screaming out of pain. I pitied myself of being imprisoned with that feeling I have for you knowing that at the end of the day...we can never be together. I almost forgot to keep in mind that I deserve more than you and I should love myself more than you. My friends once told me to let go. Yeah, I know they’re right but I also know that it’s not just easy. Honestly, you know what? loving you is like hurting myself at the sametime. Hope you realized ‘coz I wanna get over with this mess so soon. 

It’s Complicated

You know what? You may find it so insane, but this always comes to my mind. Mostly, guys, these days just wanna have fun. It’s so true right? When it comes to love, it’s a game. When it comes to relationships, it’s complicated. Errr, they’re such a dense. Sorry this sounds so mean. But, why they prefer to get into that damn complicated relationship then? Why do they love playing games? A game that says...whoever falls in love first will lose or a hide & seek scenario. C’mon such a freak! Well, I still understand them anyway, it’s a guy thing though, and it’s their nature. I know playing games is fun & should be enjoyed. There are rules also to be obeyed. I know also that in the end, there should someone to win but the real point is...it’s more of a win-win situation wherein both opponent gain. It’s the reward...the lessons & experience. Every girl knows that of course. Hmmm, but in this kind of relationships---taking such chances by trying, playing with feelings, enjoying the waves of every moment until such time wherein it goes off beyond the limits. Damn...this is sickenin’. It should not be that way. I hope guys should take in control over every action they’re taking in. Guys should know how to stop it. Guys should know how to close the door that very moment, on the first step they risk in opening it. Girls do are kinda weak when it comes to feelings that’s why most guys do take advantage of it. Girls also have that powerful instinct and very well in reading body languages. So every action a guy makes might be misinterpreted.

Having entered into a complicated relationship is easy & smooth at first, but as time goes by, it’s getting harder & harder until it breaks. Especially when that relationship is not getting into the right track as it goes by; when you feel it’s gonna work no more; when there’s only one who’s willing to continue building it; when beforehand, it’s complicated already & both of you just wanna try. Then when it gets worse, you got nothing to do but to shout it out, just to release the pain, the hatred that burdens you so much. I know there are few who make this relationship work, but honestly, I know you do know too...it really takes so much pain before you gain from it. It’s riskier ‘coz you don’t know where it’s leading. There’s no plan at all.  It’s a take it or leave it situation. It’s not really an ideal move by a gentle guy. Every girl wants to be treated as they should be, as a real girl, as a lady, as a woman and guys should always be aware of it.